As a palliative care nurse for over a decade, Bronnie Ware sat beside 247 patients in their final days—holding hands, listening to whispered confessions, and witnessing the raw, unfiltered truth of lives nearing their end. What she heard wasn’t about unfinished work or unmade fortunes. It was about souls aching for second chances—chances they’d squandered while chasing the wrong dreams.
In her groundbreaking book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Ware reveals the universal, heartbreaking patterns she documented. These regrets aren’t about dramatic failures—they’re about quiet surrenders we make daily, thinking we have “plenty of time.”
Here’s what the dying wish they’d known while they still had time—and how to rewrite your story before your final chapter begins.
💔 Regret #1: “I Wish I’d Had the Courage to Live a Life True to Myself, Not for Others”
(Heard from 92% of Ware’s patients)
The heartbreaking truth:
“Most had not honored even half of their dreams… and had to die knowing it was due to choices they had made—or not made.”*
These weren’t people who failed spectacularly. They were teachers who dreamed of painting, nurses who longed to travel, parents who buried their passions to please spouses. They traded authenticity for approval—and died haunted by the selves they never became.
Why it happens:
- We confuse “responsibility” with self-sacrifice
- We fear judgment more than regret
- We tell ourselves “I’ll start after retirement/kids/next promotion”
Your antidote:
✅ The 5% Rule: Dedicate 5% of your week to one neglected dream (e.g., 3 hours to write, dance, or volunteer).
✅ Ask: “If I died tomorrow, would I regret not doing this?” If yes—do it this week.
✅ Burn the script: Write a letter to your younger self: “Stop performing. Start living.”
“Regret isn’t about what you did—it’s about the life you muted to fit in.”
💼 Regret #2: “I Wish I Hadn’t Worked So Hard”
(Heard from 85% of male patients, 78% of women)
The heartbreaking truth:
Not one dying person said, “I wish I’d spent more time at the office.” Instead:
“I missed my kids’ childhoods… My wife grew old alone while I chased bonuses… I didn’t see my parents before they died.”
Workaholism isn’t ambition—it’s avoidance. Avoidance of loneliness, purposelessness, or the terror of asking: “Is this all there is?”
Why it happens:
- We equate busyness with worth
- We use “hustle” to numb emotional pain
- We mistake career for identity
Your antidote:
✅ The 3-Question Shutdown: Before overtime, ask:
- “Will this matter in 5 years?”
- “Who will remember this meeting when I’m gone?”
- “What am I avoiding by staying here?”
✅ Ritualize presence: Eat dinner without screens. Hug someone for 6+ seconds (triggers oxytocin).
✅ Quit one “should”: Delete an email after 6 p.m. Say “no” to one non-urgent task this week.
“No one on their deathbed mourns missed deadlines—they mourn missed moments.”
💬 Regret #3: “I Wish I’d Had the Courage to Express My Feelings”
(Heard from 76% of patients)
The heartbreaking truth:
Silence isn’t peace—it’s slow suffocation. Patients regretted:
- Never telling an estranged parent “I forgive you”
- Hiding depression behind “I’m fine”
- Dying without saying “I love you” to the one who mattered most
Why it happens:
- We fear conflict more than heartbreak
- We confuse vulnerability with weakness
- We assume loved ones “just know”
Your antidote:
✅ The 24-Hour Rule: If you feel hurt/love/gratitude, speak within 24 hours.
✅ Script the unsaid: Write the letter you’ll never send—then burn it. The act releases the weight.
✅ Try this: “When you ___, I feel ___.” (e.g., “When you cancel plans last-minute, I feel unimportant.”)
“Unspoken words become stones in the soul. Speak yours before they crush you.”
👫 Regret #4: “I Wish I’d Stayed in Touch With My Friends”
(Heard from 82% of patients over 60)
The heartbreaking truth:
“I lost my tribe to distance, busy lives, and pride… Now I have no one to hold my hand.”
Friendships aren’t “extras”—they’re lifelines. Yet we let them fade, thinking “We’ll reconnect someday.” That someday never comes for the dying.
Why it happens:
- We prioritize “practical” relationships (spouse, kids, colleagues)
- We mistake social media for connection
- We wait for them to reach out first
Your antidote:
✅ The 1% Outreach: Text one old friend weekly: “Saw this and thought of you.” (No agenda. No guilt.)
✅ Host a “No-Pressure” Gathering: “Bring nothing but yourself. We’ll just be.”
✅ Forgive first: If a friendship broke, send: “I miss you. No reply needed—but I wanted you to know.”
“Friends are the family we choose. Don’t wait until it’s too late to choose them.”
😌 Regret #5: “I Wish I’d Let Myself Be Happier”
(Heard from 96% of Ware’s patients)
The heartbreaking truth:
“I didn’t realize happiness was a choice until I couldn’t choose anymore.”
They’d mistaken happiness for:
- Achieving a goal (“I’ll be happy when I retire…”)
- External validation (“If only he loved me back…”)
- Perfection (“I’m not allowed to be joyful until everything’s fixed”)
Why it happens:
- We confuse “deserving” with “earning” joy
- We wear busyness like a badge of honor
- We fear happiness is “tempting fate”
Your antidote:
✅ The Daily Micro-Joy: Find one tiny thing that sparks joy today (sunlight on your coffee cup, a stranger’s smile). Name it aloud.
✅ Delete “When… I’ll be happy”: Replace with “Right now, I’m grateful for…”
✅ Embrace “Enough”: Stand before a mirror: “I am worthy of joy exactly as I am.”
“Happiness isn’t a destination—it’s the courage to say ‘This is enough’ in a world that screams ‘More!'”
🌅 The Gift the Dying Give Us: Time to Change
Ware’s patients didn’t want pity. They wanted one thing:
“Tell the living to stop waiting. Start now.”
Their regrets weren’t about grand failures—they were about deathbed realizations:
- You have permission to live authentically
- Presence beats productivity
- Vulnerability is strength
- Friendships need tending
- Joy is a daily choice
You’re reading this because you still have time. Not “someday.” Not “after the kids leave home.” Now.
✨ Your Action Plan: 5 Minutes to Rewrite Your Ending
- Grab your phone → Text one person: “I was thinking of you. Hope you’re okay.”
- Open your calendar → Block 2 hours this week for one neglected dream.
- Say aloud: “I choose joy today.” (Then do one tiny thing that proves it.)
This isn’t morbid. It’s urgent.
Because the most terrifying words in a dying person’s mouth aren’t “I’m scared.”
They’re:
“I wish I had…”
Don’t let those be your last words.
💫
The best time to live the life you want was 20 years ago. The second-best time? Right now.
P.S. Ware’s final lesson: “Regret is preventable. Start today—not because you’re dying, but because you’re alive.”*
Source: Bronnie Ware, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying” (2011), palliative care clinical data (2008–2018)
